Elliott Kalan
Elliott Charles Kalan : The Arthur Schlesinger, Jr. Distinguished Chair of History at The Flop House : aka Dr. Sexenstein Creator of the Sexenstein monster: a gorgeous man, with abs like a Ninja Turtle and no brain, used strictly for carnal pleasure (not Elliott's pleasure, someone else's pleasure... Elliott is just in it for the pure sex science). His name sounds like "Melliott Ralan". Keeps the show on track, except when he doesn't. Once ate a bag of Doritos in the presence of a future President of the United States of America. Two time Emmy winner for his writing on The Daily Show, hosted by golfer John Daly. Originally from Millburn, New Jersey, Elliott has a twin sister (mentioned on the podcast as being closer to Anne Hathaway when they were in high school, and in Episode Eight: I Know Who Killed Me that she was a bigger lush while Elliott is a teetotaler) as well as a brother, David, who knows sports like Elliott knows old movies. A walking encyclopedia of classic cinema. In fact, he is a Johnny Five-esque robot that was created specifically for classic cinema knowledge. (In this scenario, Dan is Ally Sheedy and Stuart is Fisher Stevens.) Would talk more about history, but Dan won't let him. Amazingly, Elliott is married to an actual woman. He and this actual woman ('Danielle') have created a baby together and named him Sammy Lincoln Kalan. The choice of the name Lincoln is presumably an homage to the prominent 19th century vampire hunter, who in all seriousness is generally recognized by historians as the greatest American vampire hunter who ever lived. His son's birth in January 2014 necessitated a brief leave of absence from the podcast, which Old Man McCoy was legally obliged to accommodate per the Family and Medical Leave Act of 1993. ::"I don't have a child, but when I have a child someday: I could be a rock star astronaut who has a dinosaur that he rides to work, and I assume my son will still find me uncool. That's just what being a dad means." (Episode Twenty-Three: Wild Hogs @17:00) Mouth-sounds singer. : "When it's time for lunch, I sing like: Lunch time! Time to eat lunch..! And then when we get down to the lunchroom, I talk out loud my interior monologue about what I'm going to eat and what I'm not going to eat, like: Oh, lasagna! I'll take some of this. Doo-doo doo doo. Potatoes? No thanks, not today! Dah-dah dah-dah dah..." Episode Ninety-Four: Conan the Barbarian @39:25 Hopes to one day professionally complain about everything like an old man, even when not an old man, on 60 Minutes. Possible serial killer whose suspected victims include (but are not limited to): *Andy Rooney *Simon Fisher *his wife's last lover *someone who reportedly now writes for The New Girl, but previously held Elliott's position at The Daily Show Has a blue blanket that he takes everywhere for security. Wait, that's Linus from "Peanuts", not Elliott. Oh well. Claims to be classy, but doesn't think that making Abraham Lincoln a vampire hunter equals fine littertur'. When being replaced as a co-host, doesn't leave a celebrity-sized hole like Stuart does. He remains, as always, Elliott Kalan... and he will always have one more Emmy than Dan. ::"When I was a kid, Boba Fett was my favorite [[:Category:Star_Wars|''Star Wars]] character."'' (Episode Thirty: Bangkok Dangerous @26:50) Factoids * Elliott worked at a Barnes & Noble® which is now a Trader Joe's®! (Episode Eighty: The Sorcerer's Apprentice @29:45) * Favorite dinosaur: Deinonychus (Episode One Hundred and Thirty-Two: Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters @50:55) * Has a delicate palate, and accordingly does not like flavor. "Bland it up, please! That's what I say." (Episode Eighty: The Sorcerer's Apprentice @1:40) ** He is also known to have a standing policy of categorically avoiding anything containing "cheese sauce." ** Dislikes avocado. ** Dislikes candy corn. (Episode Forty-One: 12 Rounds) * He is approximately half as tall as Sara. * When confronted about stories about possible stalkers, turns into The Lorax. (Episode Twenty-Nine: Step Up 2: The Streets @39:05) * Poster child of Victims of Nerd-on-Nerd Violence (VoNoNV) (Episode One Hundred and Thirty-One - Marmaduke @27:10) * Has a Bigfoot fetish. * Possesses a "super strong" immune system, susceptible primarily to chipmunk diseases. (Episode One Hundred and Forty-One - Last Ounce of Courage @1:14:05) * "I will not get my hair cut by a native-born American. They don't do as good a job." (Elliott, Episode Twelve: Awake @17:15) Catchphrases *Anywho... *R-O-C-K in the U-S-A! *The Original Peaches! *singing* We get letters, we get so we don't get sued Notable Friends *Anne Hathaway Notable Tangents * "The Zardoz Tangent" from Episode 94 - Conan The Barbarian * "The Stallone's Disease / Rocket-Powered Sly Stallone Tangent" from Episode One Hundred and Thirty-Three: Bullet to the Head * Ziggy Script Pitch Notable Quotables * "Every time we watch a Flop House movie I'm hoping it's going to be this kind of movie. And then it turns out to be like 10,000 B.C. or Whiteout. And it's just so disappointing, because I know there's gotta be another Tango & Cash out there. There's gotta be." (Episode One Hundred - Tango & Cash @42:25) * "I'm just saying: everyone should be like the dogs and just hump away, wherever." (Episode One Hundred and Thirty-One - Marmaduke @16:50) * "Mice don't live very long when they're solving mysteries and making powerful enemies." (Episode One Hundred and Thirty-Three: Bullet to the Head @4:30) * "This is, without a doubt, the dumbest thing that's ever been said on this podcast." (ibid. @34:30) * "When I was a boy, we had sex with women, not robots. What I'm saying is: Hand me that robot!" (Episode One Hundred and Forty-Two: Getaway @29:15) Look-Alikes/Sound-Alikes *Mo Rocca *Winston Zeddemore *Vincent Kartheiser *That retarded guy from The Goonies How He Eats Barbecue at Work * Takes off his shirt in the office. But asks his officemate Hallie Haglund if it's okay first. He doesn't want to be a slob. Things thrown at him by John Hodgman * Shoes Things stolen from him by John Hodgman * Iron Man Action Figures Nicknames * Elliott "Belliott" Kalan (work in progress) See also : Kalan Tales Category:Hosts Category:Regular Hosts Category:Daily Show Workers Category:Emmy Winners